Everyone has the needs we discussed last week. And most of our time is spent trying to get those needs met.

When having a conversation, you can listen for the feelings being expressed. Once you have identified the feeling, see if you can determine the need the other person is trying to meet.

By truly listening and being present, you may be fulfilling someone’s need for friendship, acceptance, or respect.

Try it this week.

A common type of thought is judgment. 

Judgment is when we decide what is right and wrong, good and bad. 

When we are figuring out what is right or wrong for us, it is fine to use our judgment.  Our personal feelings can help us judge and decide whether to have chicken or lasagna for dinner, whether to sign up for soccer or basketball next season, or what our major in college should be.

But we cannot what is right or wrong for another person.  They have their own internal guidance system.  We may think we know the best way for them or how they should think about something, but the truth is we can’t.  Only they can do that.

So spending time and energy judging what others should do or think is just a waste of time and energy.

You can tell them the way you see things, but you cannot change someone else’s mind.

Tomorrow we’ll discuss what you can do instead of judging.

Thinking ahead – This is when you are thinking about what you are going to say next instead of listening.  Instead of thinking about what you are going to say next, just stay present with the person.  When it is your time to do the talking again, what you want to say will pop into your mind.  When you focus on what you want to say next you either stop listening or get frustrated because you forgot what you were going to say.

Thinking behind – When the person speaking moves on to a different subject, move with them.  Thinking behind means you are still thinking about what the person was talking about a few minutes ago, and you are missing the current discussion.

Judgment – This is when you start having debates in your mind about whether the other person is right or wrong.  Again, this is taking you out of the current conversation and the present moment.

Physical distraction – Somebody you know walks by, there is food in the talker’s teeth, people in another part of the room start laughing.  These are all physical distractions that may take you away from the conversation.  Sometimes they are difficult to ignore, but that is part of active listening.

Impatience – Sometimes you may be busy or just not have time for a conversation.  The topic being discussed may also be boring.  Both of these instances can lead to impatience.  But the truth is, it is better to end a conversation that you cannot fully be present with than to pretend to listen or rush the other person.  Just graciously and kindly end the conversation.

1. Eye contact – Is the other person looking at you?  Looking around the room, at a watch, or off into space are clues that someone is not listening.
2. Follow-up questions – What does the person say after you have finished talking?  If you are telling them about your camping trip and then during a pause they tell you about the basketball game they were in last night, they were probably not really listening.  When someone is really listening to a story about a camping trip, they will probably ask follow-up questions…What kind of wildlife did you see?  Where are your favorite camping spots?  Have you ever seen any bears?
3. Listening gestures – Have you ever talked to someone who just looked at you with a blank stare?  It can be a little unnerving.  A listener’s facial expression, a smile, raised eyebrows, or a nod can tell you if they are listening as they respond to what you say.

But also be aware that people generally just know if you are listening or not.  Trying to fake listening can be difficult.  You still have to follow along with what is being said and respond appropriately.  If not, you’ll find that the other person has stopped talking and waiting for you to respond, and you don’t know how to respond…busted for not listening.

You would think that listening is even easier than talking. Isn’t listening just standing there with your mouth shut?

Peaches was telling Pomegranate about her glorious trip to the beach. As she was relaying the details of her impressive four-tower sand castle, she noticed Pomegranate glancing at the door. Pomegranate looked like she was thinking about something else. Peaches asked Pomegranate a question to which Pomegranate responded, “What?”

Peaches was not being listened to. Pomegranate was physically standing there, but she was not really listening.

Listening is an active activity.

When you listen, be fully present with the other person. All of your attention should be focused on the speaker.

Instead of thinking about what you are going to say next, really take in all that is being said.

Listen with an open heart. Be curious about the other person.

When you really listen, you connect with the other person and the conversation is also much more enjoyable.