When you are upset, sad, discouraged, afraid, or any of the other negative emotions, you are not getting what you need.  And when there is conflict, there are actually at least two people who are not getting what they need.

As you let the other person in the conflict talk it out, listen for what they need.

To review, here is a list of needs from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. 

Physical Needs – food, water, breathing, shelter

Safety Needs – physical and financial safety; safe from accidents or illness

Belonging Needs – friendships, family, and other relationships

Esteem Needs – being accepted, valued, and respected by others

Self-Actualization Needs – realize your potential and do what you were “born to do”

Often times the real need is being masked by anger about a much smaller problem.  For instance, the need for “you to get out of my chair” may really be a need for respect or a need for friendship.

By letting the other person talk, you can work as a detective to figure out what they need.  And maybe in the process, you can figure out what you need, too.