Welcome a disagreement.  Maybe something you haven’t thought about that will save you a terrible mistake.

Distrust your first instinctive impression.  Don’t let your ego take over and be defensive.

Control your temper.

Listen first.  Don’t resist, defend, or debate.  This only raises barriers instead of building bridges.

Look for areas of agreement.  Dwell first on points on which you agree.

Be honest.  Admitting errors and apologizing for mistakes helps disarm and reduce defensiveness.

Promise to think over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully and do it. You may be wrong.

Thank your opponent sincerely for their interest.  You may turn opponents into friends.

Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.

Admit your mistakes.  If you are wrong, come out right away and say so.  It will be apparent at some point anyway.  But if you just admit it, you can move on quickly to something else.

If you have an idea that can help the other person, make a suggestion and let them come to their own conclusions.  As discussed before, no matter how loud you yell or how long you talk, you cannot change another person’s mind or make a decision for someone else.  But you can provide facts or ideas and let them come to the final conclusion on their own.  This subtle way is the best way to show someone another view point or way of looking at an issue.

Let the other person save face.  You may be smarter, stronger, and faster, but no one wants to hear about it.  Telling someone you are smarter than they are, proving you’re smarter, and then reminding them how much smarter you are doesn’t do anything except bruise the other person’s ego…badly.  And the ego is going to try to protect itself.  The ego’s job is to protect you from feeling inferior or bad about yourself in any way.  When the ego gets bruised, it may try to go out and bring down the person who hurt it.  If you just got done telling someone just how much smarter you are…that could be you.

Enjoy your victories.  In many cases you will be smarter, stronger, and faster.  But at other times you may come out on the short end of the stick.  Again, the Golden Rule, treat others the way that you want to be treated.

As you let the other person in the conflict talk it out, listen for what they need.

To review, here is a list of needs from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. 

Physical Needs – food, water, breathing, shelter

Safety Needs – physical and financial safety; safe from accidents or illness

Belonging Needs – friendships, family, and other relationships

Esteem Needs – being accepted, valued, and respected by others

Self-Actualization Needs – realize your potential and do what you were “born to do”

Often times the real need is being masked by anger about a much smaller problem.  For instance, the need for “you to get out of my chair” may really be a need for respect or a need for friendship.

By letting the other person talk, you can work as a detective to figure out what they need.  And maybe in the process, you can figure out what you need, too.

You are probably either thinking about how rude it was that you were interrupted or you are trying to remember what it was you still wanted to say.  Either way, you are not fully listening to what the other person is saying.

The same holds true for others, too.  If you think of something that needs to be said, make a mental note and wait until the other person is finished expressing themselves.  Then they will be ready to listen to what you have to say.

Often times there are also many levels to what a person is trying to say or work through.  They may seem to be really angry about not being able to play with a friend this afternoon, but what is making them angrier than usual is that another friend is moving away soon, and they are starting to feel very out of touch with their friends.

When there is conflict, let the other person talk it out.  Maybe you can get to these root needs and come up with some solutions.

When letting someone fully express themselves, try some of these leading questions:

• Is there anything else?
• Is there more?
• Tell me more.

Conflict can show itself as a disagreement, a squabble, or an all-out fight.

Conflict can also show itself as two people working out their differences calmly and with mutual respect.

You get to choose which way you want to do it.

One helpful way to keep the conflict calm is through “yes” energy.

When there is a conflict, there is “yes” energy and there is “no” energy.  “Yes” energy keeps the energy moving and “no” energy makes everyone stop in their tracks and take a defensive stance.

So how do you keep the “yes” energy moving?  Find points on which you agree.  Get the other person saying “Yes.”

As you find points on which you agree, the points on which you disagree may not turn out to be that big of a deal.  Of course, that is not always the case.  But keeping the “yes” energy moving will keep the discussion calm and moving forward.

A key point to remember when there is conflict is this…

No one thinks they are wrong and no one can change someone else’s mind. 

Everyone has an ego.  The job of the ego is to protect you from feeling powerless or inferior.  When you attack someone’s ideas, even if they really are truly wrong, the ego will step in and defend those ideas, even if the reasons don’t seem to make any sense.  No amount of talking, yelling, or reasoning will make the ego back down.  You cannot change someone else’s mind.  The only thing you can do is present your case, provide you facts or ideas, and then let them make their own choices and decisions.