Of course… who hasn’t made a mistake?

What do you do when you make a mistake?  Do you think about it over and over again, telling yourself how awful you are for doing what you did?  I certainly hope not.

When you make a mistake, reliving it doesn’t change it, doesn’t change the outcome, and usually doesn’t make us feel any better about it.  As a matter of fact, reliving it just keeps us stuck in the mistake.

Instead, decide what went wrong, decide what you would do different in the future, learn the lesson, and let the mistake go.  Move on.  Anything more is an energy drain and keeps you stuck in the past.

What if it’s someone else’s mistake?  What if they did something terrible to you?  Do you think about it over and over again, telling yourself how awful they are for doing what they did?  I certainly hope not.

Like we said before, everyone makes mistakes.  We just talked about forgiving yourself and letting the mistake go.  How about just forgiving the other person and letting the mistake go?

When someone does something to hurt or offend you, does reliving it over and over change what happened?  Does it change the outcome?  Does it make your feel better?  No.

And while you are feeling miserable, what is the other person doing?  Probably not feeling as bad as you are!

When you forgive the other person, think about the situation, decide how not to get into that situation in the future, learn the lesson (which may be not to hang out with them anymore), and let the situation go.

Forgiveness is not about telling the other person what they did was okay.  It is about learning your lesson and releasing the energy around the situation so it doesn’t have a hold on you anymore.

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself.

This is more than a quick “hello” in the hallway or a “how are you doing?” as you pass by.

To really connect, you need to have a real conversation and make the other person feel at ease.  We discussed a few ways to do that at the beginning of this series…match your body language and style of speaking, use open ended questions, smile.

You can also take their lead to determine what they are comfortable with.  Are they comfortable maintaining eye contact or do they look away?  Do they want to talk about personal topics or stay on more general conversation such as school or what’s for lunch?

But your focus is on a connection.  Try to understand them better.  Look for the best in anyone you are with.  Be yourself and let them get to know you better, too.

Learning about others can be a wonderful past time.  If you happen to be self-conscious or an introvert, this can be a way to get out of your shell.

Be curious about people.  Instead of thinking about what others will think of you, put the focus on the other person.  What are they passionate about?  What are their likes or dislikes?  What are their beliefs?

It can be fascinating to learn about other people.  Can you put yourself in their shoes and see the world through their eyes?  It may lead you to realize how they make their decisions or why they do what they do.

But as you meet new people and get to know them, do your best to not judge them or what they do.  There is always another way of looking at a situation.   If you came from the same background and had the same experiences, you might make the same decisions they have made.

Let them have their experiences and you make your own decisions about what your life experiences will be.  If someone is having a hard time, you can listen with sensitivity and concern without getting into the situation with them.

You are responsible for your own life and no one else’s.

You are the only you on the entire planet.  Only you have your talents, skills and abilities.  You and your best friend, sibling, or cousin may be alike in many ways, but you each have your own likes and dislikes, preferences, and ways of looking at the world.

That is the way it is supposed to be.  You are not supposed to be like everyone else.

Each person has their own purpose, their own reason for being here.  Your job is to find that purpose, determine your mission, and make it happen.

You know when you find your purpose because you will feel passion.  You will feel excitement and enthusiasm about what you are doing.  But your purpose may be different from you best friend’s.

If she is passionate about animals and wants to volunteer at the local animal shelter, that is great because she found her passion.  But if you are not all that excited about taking care of animals, let her volunteer while you find something you are passionate about,  maybe helping children, politics, or baking pastries.  It could be anything!

Everyone wants to be useful and have work that they love.  Take the time now to find out what you love.  Try new things.  If it pops into your head to learn to play the guitar, learn Japanese, or write a novel, give it a try.  The idea may have popped in there because it is something you would really enjoy or something that will really help you later on.

Follow your own instincts and have fun with it.

Inner qualities are important because they are what you really are…on the inside.

You can pretend to be many things on the outside, but your inner qualities are what you truly believe yourself to be.  And the funny thing is that eventually, your inner qualities will always come out.  Your inner qualities are always reflected in your outer appearance.

Have you ever met someone who seemed to be confident, but something didn’t seem quite right.  They seemed “too confident,” too loud, too active, called too much attention to themselves.  They may just be trying to project a self-confidence that they just don’t have.  When you have confidence, you are very comfortable in a situation and don’t seem to be “too much” of anything.  But because they didn’t really feel it on the inside, they didn’t really project it on the outside.

But that doesn’t mean that someone can’t become confident.

In the Harry Potter series, when the students first arrive at the Hogwarts School, they are placed in different houses based on their inner qualities.  They do this by using a Sorting Hat.  This talking hat is placed on the new student’s head.  It analyzes the student’s inner qualities and assigns the student to a house based on qualities such as loyalty, courage, or ambition.

This system assumes that each person has inner qualities that are fixed.  But that is just not the case.   Over time, people change.

If you want to appear more confident, courageous, or compassionate, work on changing your inner thoughts and beliefs and the outer will take care of itself.

Welcome a disagreement.  Maybe something you haven’t thought about that will save you a terrible mistake.

Distrust your first instinctive impression.  Don’t let your ego take over and be defensive.

Control your temper.

Listen first.  Don’t resist, defend, or debate.  This only raises barriers instead of building bridges.

Look for areas of agreement.  Dwell first on points on which you agree.

Be honest.  Admitting errors and apologizing for mistakes helps disarm and reduce defensiveness.

Promise to think over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully and do it. You may be wrong.

Thank your opponent sincerely for their interest.  You may turn opponents into friends.

Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.

Admit your mistakes.  If you are wrong, come out right away and say so.  It will be apparent at some point anyway.  But if you just admit it, you can move on quickly to something else.

If you have an idea that can help the other person, make a suggestion and let them come to their own conclusions.  As discussed before, no matter how loud you yell or how long you talk, you cannot change another person’s mind or make a decision for someone else.  But you can provide facts or ideas and let them come to the final conclusion on their own.  This subtle way is the best way to show someone another view point or way of looking at an issue.

Let the other person save face.  You may be smarter, stronger, and faster, but no one wants to hear about it.  Telling someone you are smarter than they are, proving you’re smarter, and then reminding them how much smarter you are doesn’t do anything except bruise the other person’s ego…badly.  And the ego is going to try to protect itself.  The ego’s job is to protect you from feeling inferior or bad about yourself in any way.  When the ego gets bruised, it may try to go out and bring down the person who hurt it.  If you just got done telling someone just how much smarter you are…that could be you.

Enjoy your victories.  In many cases you will be smarter, stronger, and faster.  But at other times you may come out on the short end of the stick.  Again, the Golden Rule, treat others the way that you want to be treated.

As you let the other person in the conflict talk it out, listen for what they need.

To review, here is a list of needs from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. 

Physical Needs – food, water, breathing, shelter

Safety Needs – physical and financial safety; safe from accidents or illness

Belonging Needs – friendships, family, and other relationships

Esteem Needs – being accepted, valued, and respected by others

Self-Actualization Needs – realize your potential and do what you were “born to do”

Often times the real need is being masked by anger about a much smaller problem.  For instance, the need for “you to get out of my chair” may really be a need for respect or a need for friendship.

By letting the other person talk, you can work as a detective to figure out what they need.  And maybe in the process, you can figure out what you need, too.

You are probably either thinking about how rude it was that you were interrupted or you are trying to remember what it was you still wanted to say.  Either way, you are not fully listening to what the other person is saying.

The same holds true for others, too.  If you think of something that needs to be said, make a mental note and wait until the other person is finished expressing themselves.  Then they will be ready to listen to what you have to say.

Often times there are also many levels to what a person is trying to say or work through.  They may seem to be really angry about not being able to play with a friend this afternoon, but what is making them angrier than usual is that another friend is moving away soon, and they are starting to feel very out of touch with their friends.

When there is conflict, let the other person talk it out.  Maybe you can get to these root needs and come up with some solutions.

When letting someone fully express themselves, try some of these leading questions:

• Is there anything else?
• Is there more?
• Tell me more.

Conflict can show itself as a disagreement, a squabble, or an all-out fight.

Conflict can also show itself as two people working out their differences calmly and with mutual respect.

You get to choose which way you want to do it.

One helpful way to keep the conflict calm is through “yes” energy.

When there is a conflict, there is “yes” energy and there is “no” energy.  “Yes” energy keeps the energy moving and “no” energy makes everyone stop in their tracks and take a defensive stance.

So how do you keep the “yes” energy moving?  Find points on which you agree.  Get the other person saying “Yes.”

As you find points on which you agree, the points on which you disagree may not turn out to be that big of a deal.  Of course, that is not always the case.  But keeping the “yes” energy moving will keep the discussion calm and moving forward.

A key point to remember when there is conflict is this…

No one thinks they are wrong and no one can change someone else’s mind. 

Everyone has an ego.  The job of the ego is to protect you from feeling powerless or inferior.  When you attack someone’s ideas, even if they really are truly wrong, the ego will step in and defend those ideas, even if the reasons don’t seem to make any sense.  No amount of talking, yelling, or reasoning will make the ego back down.  You cannot change someone else’s mind.  The only thing you can do is present your case, provide you facts or ideas, and then let them make their own choices and decisions.

Instead of “I don’t want pizza,” say “I want a burrito.” 

Instead of “I don’t want you to brush my hair,” say “I want to brush my hair myself.”

Instead of “I don’t want to clean my room now,” say “I want to clean my room after lunch.”

“Don’t” is a word that has a negative aspect to it. Like judgments and criticism, it starts to put up defensive mechanisms and will get a more defensive response.

To sum up making a request:

• Know what it is you want.
• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see what they want.
• Let them know your feelings and needs.
• Use positive language and leave out judgments or criticism.

When people hear judgment or criticism, they go into defensive mode.  They feel that they are being attacked, so in the moment, they are more concerned for their safety than building friendships or being cooperative.
Judgments and criticism usually start off with the word “you.” 

“You are so lazy.” “You are such a mess.”

Adding words like never and always just adds fuel to the fire.

“You never let me do anything.” “You always leave your stuff lying around.”

People typically never or always do something, so this is an exaggeration that increased the criticism.

A better approach would be to tell them how you feel and what you need.   Let them take the noble move to help you meet those needs.